Im Back....

I know it been a while since Ive written but I am back, Im stronger, and this time Im ready for anything. Send me suggestions to arivers503@gmail.com or on Facebook. See ya soon.....The new entries should be starting soon keep an eye out.

I Love You

I can tell how much you care by simply saying I love you. Giving you the infinite power over my mind, my actions, my ability to go on with or without you. Today I give you the power and strength to control all that I am. Today I am at your mercy. I trust in you to pick me up when I fall but even more so I trust in you not to push me down as I am blinded by all that is you. Listen with your heart and let it guide you. Feel me with your eyes and know what I am afraid to admit. Understand my actions and stop me before I self destruct. Although I love the way you appear in front of me your physical being is not what draws me close. Your ability to make me smile from mere thought of you. Your ability to make me cry when I feel your pain. Our inner most sacred fears we use to encourage each other. Your guard down welcoming me into a place that no one has ever known. These are the things I look for in you...my hero, my friend. Trust is solid in which we build a foundation. Honesty is the bond that holds us together. Communication is the key that unlocks the doors from which we hide our faults. Your pain is my sorrow, your joy is my everything. So today, I give you the power and the strength to control all that I am. Today I am at your mercy.......

I Love You

PS: If you think this is about you, good. If you don't think it's about you, then i haven't told you how I feel often enough.

Where Do We Go From Here (Part I)

Dear....

Its been such a long time since I've really had the chance to talk to you. Alot has changed in my life and now more then ever I need your support. I've weighed the pros and cons of discussing this with you because I know it will without question it will change the dynamics of our relationship. Traditionally we have shared everything and have no secrets and I value that tremendously but I've kept this from you for fear of rejection. I know I should talk to you directly but I can't stand to see the hurt that it is indeed gonna cause you. The most important thing I can say is I don't want you to feel obligated in any way. If you don't wanna call, then don't. If you want to end things, then end it. I only want you around if you want to be. See now is the time to determine who is real and who is not and because you are the closest I have to start with you. Your acceptance means the world to me but only if it's true. I know you've thought about things as I have and maybe it is time to go our separate ways. I am not trying to trap you into staying and I'm definitely not trying to pressure you into loving me if you don't. As I write this letter I can barely see whats on the page because my eyes are filled with tears and I can barely type because my hands are shaking. One way or another its time, I just need to know where we stand. I have a feeling it won't make me feel any better because nothing will change. I'm sorry if I disappoint you but I can't let you down anymore then I have myself. By the time you read this we will have talked and I'm not sure what I will have gained or lost. One thing I will say is if this is our last true correspondence know that I have only a few expectations. Be honest, be real, and be true whether we move forward together or apart. No matter which it is nothing will change our past, and I thank you for that.

Customer Service (Part 1) Can I Get Some Napkins

Okay service industry people not to offend anyone do what you gotta do to get your money....BUT. What the hell is your problem. First of all if you do not speak or understand english well, keep your ass away from that drive thru microphone. The last thing I want, is to come thru a FAST food joint and spend 15 mins and my weed high on trying to get you to understand I said no beans, not no beef. Now I come thru the drive thru and I'm not sure what I want yet, I mean damn you got a menu there for me to choose from right? Relax and quit breathing all hard.hell y'all changed the menu don't you want me to try one of the new items? Now, when I order something that traditionally calls for dipping sauce don't roll your damn eyes at me because I ask for some, I mean aren't you supposed to ask me anyway? And don't think I don't know the dip to strip ratio. If I order a 9 piece and you hand me one little thing of honey mustard sauce, something aint right. Now okay I just might change my mind at the window and ask to add an apple pie, a biscuit, or hell another burger for that matter. I am human, you do not have to act like I just ruined your whole day because you gotta ring something up. You are standing in front of a register, it aint that hard!!!! Last but not least, I am all about saving a tree, lord knows all my bills come electronically. And yes I too understand that they are not free because at home I use them responsibly. But if you don't give me a damn napkin!! Better yet give me enough to make sure your greasy ass fries are not messing up my kids clothes, give me enough for both meals, I super sized it now super size my damn napkins with the order. Why do I have to wait and tap at the window while you are turned around talking to the chick with the nappy ass braids about her problems with her baby daddy because I don't have 1 napkin for the 5 meals I just paid my money for. And then you turn around push the door open, roll your eyes, smack that damn gum, and say yeah? I want you to know at that point you're only about 5 seconds away from being snatched through that damn window. But in my calmest voice I just say can I get some napkins? and you hand me 2. Check yourselves fast food chains. You aint going broke because of the economy you going broke cause you have wack ass customer service.

I Quit

I wonder at times if it takes more to quit then to fight. I wish I had the ability to throw in the towel before it was sewn together, or give up on love before I ever attempted to find the right person. Wouldn't life be easier? Roll with the punches and bob and weave the obstacles? Life would be great right? To settle with mediocracy becasue success takes too much work? I fight, I struggle, I am persistant and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but that's what where supposed to do, live life by trial and error. If anything is worth having its also worth fighting for. Whether it be your family, your education,  your money whatever it is fight for it. If the hurdles are too high, someone will help you get over it. If you don't have the strength someone will move those mountains for you. If you fall someone will carry you through. I wish I had the ability to give up, but I guess I don't have the strength.

Lemon Pie

Dear mom,

Haven't spoken to you in a while but I just want to let you know I've been missing your lemon pies. I know we had a rough time growing up but I don't fault you for the past. It would break my heart to hear you cry at night thinking of the horrible things we went through as kids. But you made me the person I am today. Strong, independent, and a fighter. I saw you endure so much all the way to the end but in the end you were still fighting. Sometimes I don't know if I can make it because I want to be with you, but other times I know I have to fight because you expect so much from me. As a kid you were my hero, and as an adult I was yours. I remember when you first tasted my spaghetti, you changed your recipe. Now we both know I'll never be able to top your lemon pie, but you know I'm gonna try. I miss your smile and your attitude, your cooking and your bitching. I tell my friends to appreciate their moms cause truthfully I took you for granted until I found out I was gonna lose you. Then I wished I had more time to do the things for you that I hated. It was hard to watch you leave me that day. As we all stood around to comfort you, I felt you telling me to go but I just couldn't do it. You were just lying there but you would cry when you heard my voice. I stayed strong and told you it was ok to let go, but I didn't mean it. I held your hand mom I'm sorry that's all I was able to do. As you let out a big sigh, I knew it was over but I didn't know what to do so I just ran until I couldn't run anymore. Thank you for sending in my cousin as I sat in the room with you yelling at you to please come back. I know I told you we were going to move you and everything was going to be ok, but I couldn't tell you the truth, I'm so sorry. When the pastor came to talk to you, I remember you told him yes you were at peace but you were staying here with your kids. I saw in your face you meant it. You are still with me mom. You will always be with me. I just wish when I get my car I can let you drive it or you could come to my new place and laugh with me, I need you just as much today as i did as a child.

Love your son.

Who's Judging Who

I am not perfect nor do I want to be. There is no such thing as perfect art and we are all made of imperfections that make us all unique and valuable. Don't judge without taking the time to understand and don't speculate if you really don't wanna know the facts. I have been mistakenly called prejudice against my own race, and that's fine. But the truth of the matter is I am welcoming to all but ignorance. Do I think I'm better then you because you fail to see the world under your feet spans further then 100 miles? Do I think I'm better then you because I left a gangster mentality in elementary school? Do I think I'm better then you because I dream of knowledge to gain wealth instead of plotting to take what someone else has achieved? The answer is no, I don't think I'm better then anyone. But I ask you. Do you think you're better then me because you go to church religiously and I choose to live by the simple rules of doing unto others as I want done to me? Do you think you're better then me because you live a lifestyle that is socially acceptable as I live in sin? Do you think you're better then me because the color of your skin is lighter while I still believe the only thing that separates us is cultural differences? I thought so. Until I walk a mile in your shoes, stumble over the same exact hurdles you did, tumble as I scrape my knee as you did, and cry from the pain as it runs through my soul, just as you did...I can't judge you and you can not judge me. It is not my place to say what is right and wrong for you nor is it my responsibility. I love you for who you are. Whether or not i allow myself to have you in my life is another issue entirely.

Have You Seen My Childhood (part I)

So young and innocent at 8 or 9 years old. Plucked out of the night helpless and naive in the arms of one I looked to for protection. I fully awaken just in time to see the knife being forced in the molding of the door frame to prevent entrance or escape. I lay there watching, confused and unaware of what lie ahead. The horror begins. I cry, I scream, I beg for it to stop as my face and mouth are covered. It seemed to last hours though probably less then 10 minutes and then it seemed to be over. I can go now, I think to myself please no more I just wanna go. But instead it intensifies. Again I cry, beg and plead upon deaf ears. As I lay in shock, lifeless I ask myself over and over why is this happening to me? Why is there no one here to stop this? How long is this gonna last? Am I going to die? Suddenly everything stops I lay under you shaking almost convulsing. I pull myself together as I am threatened with my life if I tell anyone. The knife slides out and the door opens just enough to check the surroundings. I'm ushered out and head back to the room where I slept previously. No longer young and innocent, no longer looking at you as a hero but now as my definition of fear. I lay there alone, terrified, crying, and thanking God it was all over. Little did I know it was only the beginning.

Does It Really Matter?

OK so here we are at only day 2 and its already getting really real. This is definitely not gonna be easy but it's necessary. For years people have asked, assumed, secretly thought everything under the sun about me and who Im with or not with. Because I choose to keep my private life private it seems to make some of you want to know even more. Why, am I not a good enough friend, brother, cousin, or father cause you don't know specifics? When I was a kid with low self esteem and hung out with the girls cause I couldn't play basketball you teased me. When I was kicking it with my best friend from birth you questioned me because she was a girl. When I felt ugly and unattractive and was scared to talk to girls you pressured me. You saw me confused, you also saw me struggling to the point of attempting suicide over and over again but not once did you say its ok. I accept our differences because it enlightens me to something new. I welcome the things about you that other people make fun of because I know its the real you and that's the person I wanna know. So today I stand here in front of you a confident man. I'm no longer confused nor am I afraid. See life has taught me something. I can live according to how you want me to live and be miserable or I can walk my own path even if I have to do it alone, happy and at peace. Will I ever get married? No. Will I ever have kids? Doubtful. Fellas please understand me when I say no I don't want your girl but I do appreciate her and that's why she prefers to be with me. The truth is and will always be Im gay. I dont expect you to understand, but I do want you to remember I am the same person you knew before you read this. How we move forward is up to you...Im happy either way.

Dear Daddy

Dear daddy,

As a kid I never really got to know you personally but I feel your presence every time I look in the mirror. When I see the way my nose lines up with my eyes or I see my crooked smile and wonder if you smiled the same. I want you to know that deep down I love you although on the service I can not. I can not accept the lies as a child on my birthday, I can not accept the pain I endured wondering if you would ever come to my rescue. I got past the beatings and torture you put my mom through, I also got past the visits to see me when in actuality you just wanted to try to get with mom one more time. But as a young adult trying to make money at Christmas as I saw you drive past as I stood in the snow I knew that my smile, my nose, my eyes were all you would ever give. So now you're dying. Now I struggle with the decision to forgive or not to forgive. But again I think of the pain of watching my mom die, as you walked up and down our street collecting cans and bottles for your next drink. Never taking the step to give me a shoulder to lean on. Never giving me a chance to be your son and curl up under your arm for protection. I have but one conclusion, when you walked away your actions spoke loudly. When you denied my siblings, your words spoke louder. So I guess when you burn in hell your burning souls scream will be deafening.

Dont Get Mad

Consider this a disclaimer. This blog is in no way about you unless you make it that way. You may like what I have to say and you may not but either way I welcome all feedback. These are my opinions and I strongly believe those in glass houses shouldnt throw stones. This was created by me for you. If you cant find the words, please allow me. If you dont have the balls, please allow me. No topic is off limits, but it will always tasteful and will always be me...so without further a due I welcome you to Goin Off.